Perhaps no institution has suffered more at the hands of a disposable society like marriage. This is what fascinates me in this theme—is there a more ritualistic event in our lives than a wedding? Graduations & proms come close, but follow trends. Weddings do too, I guess, but the elements that make a wedding unique are timeless. Giving away the bride, the vows, the pinchably cute kids stumbling down the aisle hardly ever doing what they’re supposed to and of course "you may now kiss the bride." Those things never change.
Sadly, this topic hit home recently when I received an email from a college friend. Just last fall, Jen and I attended his wedding. He was one of the last remaining bachelors among my circle of friends and we were all happy for him. He and his bride seemed to go well together and both seemed genuinely happy. She laughed at his jokes. He looked after her sweetly. The email stated that they were getting a divorce—that they were better off as a dating couple than a married couple. It took the wind out of me. Even though they hadn’t known each other for long before they got married, they seemed to be a good match. I was so sad for him, even hearing his assurances that he was doing alright, that his professional life is going well and that he is surrounding himself with friends and family. A short marriage still has profound effects on one’s life.
I also think of so many people who have skipped the ceremony and chosen to live as a couple without the ritual of a wedding. It seems like they are hedging their bets somehow. If it doesn’t work out, at least it doesn’t mean a divorce, as if the pain of that relationship being lost would be lessened by virtue of that fact.
Sadly, this topic hit home recently when I received an email from a college friend. Just last fall, Jen and I attended his wedding. He was one of the last remaining bachelors among my circle of friends and we were all happy for him. He and his bride seemed to go well together and both seemed genuinely happy. She laughed at his jokes. He looked after her sweetly. The email stated that they were getting a divorce—that they were better off as a dating couple than a married couple. It took the wind out of me. Even though they hadn’t known each other for long before they got married, they seemed to be a good match. I was so sad for him, even hearing his assurances that he was doing alright, that his professional life is going well and that he is surrounding himself with friends and family. A short marriage still has profound effects on one’s life.
I also think of so many people who have skipped the ceremony and chosen to live as a couple without the ritual of a wedding. It seems like they are hedging their bets somehow. If it doesn’t work out, at least it doesn’t mean a divorce, as if the pain of that relationship being lost would be lessened by virtue of that fact.
I heard someone on the radio the other day advocating that marriages should be considered 5-year renewable contracts. He'd been married 3 times for decent lengths of time: 9 years, 15 years and 10 years and claimed that instead of having 3 failed marriages, he'd had 3 very successful marriages that didn't last a lifetime.
How do weddings survive in the era of 50/50 marriage survival rates? I'm not asking the question "why does anyone bother to get married anymore?" I'm not questioning the instution of marriage. I firmly believe in int. It just seems amazing that the dream and the ideal seem to have changed so little while the reality has fallen apart. Clearly, it's not just a quaint tip of the cap to some nearly forgotten past. It's not just a way to collect expensive presents from longtime family friends. The question I guess I'm posing is: how has the ritual remained so substantially intact when the attitudes toward marriage have shifted so much? Is it false hope? Is it peer pressure? Is it good enough for one day but people aren't willing to do the heavy lifting to stick it out? What gives?
5 comments:
Man, I wonder this all the time. Why do people still do it? Especially those who aren’t religious and, therefore, don’t have the requirements.
One thing I do know is that marriages mostly don’t work because people mostly don’t use their brains when it comes to dating. Take a survey of a group of young adults, ask them to give out their best dating advice, and you’ll invariably here things like “follow your heart”, but you’ll rarely hear things like “write out a list of dating standards and commit to them”. Why is it that brains rarely enter the dating equation?
The number two reason I’d give is what you’ve already alluded to. We live in a disposable society and divorce is an option. Do you think our grandparents had any fewer problems in their marriages? No way. But divorce was not an option and so they were forced to either work things out or be miserable. And who wants to be miserable?
p.s. I've decided that I really like the colors of your blog.
p.s.s. Randy Moss and the Patriots suck!
Have any single friends left for me?? :-)
Do you know that the divorce rate for Gordon couples is 60%? SIXTY PERCENT!! Maybe the "religious" don't have it right either.
I can relate. I recently received a text message (how odd is that?) from a former professional mentor delivering similar news. I had not heard back from him in quite some time despite several VMs I had left him and out of nowhere he texts me that he and his wife are splitting up and he now lives in an apartment in my town.
This guy and his wife were both "recovered Christians" - both rejecting their somewhat fundamentalist upbringings and neither believing that God's word is truly divine revelation. Instead, they had some shapeless faith in "some kind of higher power" and chose to express that faith in the form of good will towards men.
They were classic DINKs (double income, no kids) - work hard, play hard, expensive hobbies, etc. Young, smart, talented, career-minded, motivated and their love had a firm foundation that didn't need Jesus.
Yet, about a year or so ago they both got very sick - out of work for months kind of sick and their fast track career potential began to fade.
I haven't yet been able to connect with him to debrief, but it sounds like dealing with the illness tore them apart. She was overly obsessed with material things he claimed and he felt he had become little more than a servant - tending to her every need as she slowly continued to recover from the common illness they shared.
Anyhow, I too am shell-shocked. The "in sickness and in health", "in good times and in bad" part of their vows have faded away.
The waitress at dinner last night commented that the 10 years of marriage we were celebrating was a "very long time". Her marriage lasted 9 months.
It's truly a different world.
PS - A table near by had some career veteran teachers from Hopkinton. Two tables over was a woman who had also grown up and still lives in Manchester. Small world..
Mr. Drew.
I hope all is well with you. I was doing a random search while at work and came across your page.
What a small world. Your daughters are beautiful.
Hope to hear back from you!
-Stinson
Post a Comment